May the lord beard be our savior

There is a saying about beards that I love.  “ There’s a name for people without beards, women”! Beards have made a huge come back. Thank GOD, because I fucking hate shaving more than anything! Not to mention it’s ridiculously expensive to buy razors. For a long while beards were considered a no no in the sales industry, which just so happens to be what I’ve been doing my whole professional life. Clean shaven is the only thing potential buyers would respect they told me. Beards were a sign of laziness they said. Beards meant that your hygiene was lacking they said.  You know what I say? Bull fucking shit! How are you gonna say no to a guy with a huge beard? He could kick your ass, eat you, and put a cigarette out on your neck! I don’t anyone who wants to risk that! Beards symbolize manhood, dominance, strength, alpha status. If you’re at bar and two guys are waiting for a drink, who gets served first? The clean shaven guy hiding underneath a bar stool, or the bearded master of all things? Damn right it’s the guy with the beard! A couple of absolute scientifically proven facts about beards. Women are 100% more attracted to men with beards. Even if they refuse to admit it they are. It’s nature they can’t help it. Another quote I like. “Do you get things caught in your beard? Yes soup, crumbs, and women!" If you read about the history of beards in many cultures beards were a sign that a man is more fertile, stronger, and had better genes. After all our natural instinct is to choose a mating partner with the strongest features, survival of the fittest right? The most common objection to a beard I hear from women? “It’s too prickly it’s stabbing my face”. The proper response is “ those are love stabs baby”! What she is actually thinking? “ Oh my god I love this I hope it never stops”! Here is a picture of a beard for absolutely no reason.

What better month to talk about beards than November, No Shave November. The equivalent to breast cancer awareness month. We made it up because we feel the endless need to compete and we couldn’t just let women have this one. I personally think that every month should have a no shave prefix.  Here are some other interesting scientific beard facts. Growing a beard has been a sign of manliness since the dawn of time. A full beard was a sign in many early cultures that a boy was ready to become a man. In fact a beard was so well respected that in many cultures if you touched another man’s beard it was a sign of disrespect, and often led to a duel. Don’t you dare touch my beard bro! I swear to GOD next time someone touches my beard I’m gonna challenge them to a duel, even if it’s my mom! Some early punishments consisted of public shaming by cutting off a man’s beard. In a study women found men with full beards to be two thirds as attractive as men who were clean shaven. I know I know this sounds like a huge blow to the majestic beard, and I know I proclaimed earlier that women are 100% more attracted to men with beards, that is why this next part is so awesome. That same study showed that those same women also found that men with full beards are older, more respected, powerful, and of a higher – status. So there you have it, your clean shaven boyfriend is hot, but he is a complete and utter failure at being a man! Honestly ladies what is more attractive, a man who is respected by all, or a man who takes longer than you to get ready? Is it even a question? Forbes magazine shows that 98% of the most successful business men are clean shaven, but before you go shaving your luscious face pubes selling out for a taste of success, life shows that 98% of lumberjacks, badasses, and warriors have full beards! So in other words, we wait for the bald faces to build a successful company, then we just forcefully take it from them, because what the hell can they do about it other than sit there and cry. By the way real men don’t cry they just water their beards! Men with beards are viewed as 38% less generous, 36% less caring, and 51% less cheerful. I don’t think that is a strong argument as to why growing a beard is good, but it is fucking awesome! Here is another amazing beard!

So in honor of man cancer, and beards of all shapes and sizes, I have rewritten the 10 commandments to guide us all through beardome, rules to live by if you will, for men with beards, bald-faces, and women everywhere.

10. You shall not covet thy neighbor’s beard; you shall not desire his house, his field, his servant’s beard, his ox’s beard, his donkey’s beard, or anything else related to your neighbor’s beard. Look some “men” just can’t grow a beard. If you can’t you can’t, but don’t you dare drool over mine. Just hope your future son doesn’t grow up to hate you. Your best bet is to befriend someone with a beard. Maybe, just maybe the bearded nobleman will take you under his wing and you can feed off his crumbs, but jealousy will get you know where! I’m sorry, but not all men were created equal, and you just happen to be an inferior version of a man. Chances are it’s your parents fault; blame your mother for not picking a suitable full bearded suitor, but under no circumstances long for my beard! Every beard is unique, and takes patience to grow. Show respect for my beard, but do not covet .

9. You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor when explaining why you don’t have a beard. Men with beards don’t lie. We make our own truths! Just because you don’t have a beard doesn’t mean you have to lie about it, and don’t give me that, you are defiantly lying! Here are some possible excuses you might give for not having a beard. “My job won’t let me”. This makes me laugh! All you are really saying is, I’m too much of pussy to just grow one, and I’m afraid to stand up to my boss. If you want to live your life like that go ahead just don’t lie about it. “It itches”. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hate you just give up on your shitty life.  You can’t handle a little itch to be respected by all?  We aren’t talking about crabs here; we are talking about a glorious face enhancer. You should be very ashamed of yourself.  “My wife/ girlfriend won’t let me”.  Same as the boss won’t let me, bottom line is you’re a pussy. “I don’t want too”.  Ha Ha don’t even talk to me.  Bottom line whatever reason you give for not having a beard, is just a reason why you are a huge loser and no one respects you.

8.  Thou shall not steal……….. From a man with a beard. Your life is sure to end very quickly. That’s all I need to say about that.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery…………… with a bare-face. If you are married to a man with a glorious beard you will never feel the need to cheat, but if you do make, sure it is with a man with a bigger beard. If you stray with a bare-face, your future children will be a little retarded………maybe a lot. That might sound harsh but you defiantly deserve it. You shouldn’t cheat period, but if you’re a bare-face you have come to expect it. If you cheat on a man with a glorious beard there will be consequences!

6. Thou shall not murder.  Unless you are a masked vigilante with a beard, then it’s completely ok to murder the people that deserve it.  With a beard you are pardoned by law automatically.

5. Honor your beard as the lord god commanded you, that your beards may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. Look if beards weren’t supposed to be grown God would not allow them. If you don’t believe in God then nature would not allow it. Beards are natural, razors are not.  It doesn’t cost 23 dollars a month to grow a beard!!!

4. Observe the beard and keep it holy, as the lord God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is to admire your own beard. You shall not work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your ox, nor your donkey, nor any of your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you. They all will spend the day admiring your beard, as God intended, after all Jesus had an amazing beard, right?

3. You shall not take your beard in vein. Never speak ill of your beard. Your beard will not take kindly to this. It is the source of your power and should be treated as so. Never complain that it itches, or food gets caught in it, or it gets in the way. Once it’s gone you will surely miss it, and there is no guarantee it will ever come back.

2. Thou shall not worship anything other than your beard. No false beards! There is nothing in the world that will bring you more joy then your beard. Show your damn appreciation!

1. I am the lord thy beard. I brought thee out of Egypt and the house of bondage. Is there any doubt that beards led Gods people out of Egypt? I think not. Beards are responsible for all major human achievement, and that is actually proven by science now……..seriously look it up.

Now some beard etiquette. If two beards come to an impasse, the longer beard always has the right away. It’s like respecting your elders. The Older the beard the longer it is, and the more it has seen. Respect the beard. Comb it, condition it, stroke it. Show it the same love you’d show your pet. Beards need attention, and if you can’t spend some quality time with your beard every day, then you shouldn’t have one. By the way this is not a beard.

Do not ever braid or put beads in your beard! Not only is this stupid but it is worse than publicly shaming your children. Never confine your beard. I hate when I go to a deli and see hair nets covering beautiful beards. Do you enjoy watching a dolphin struggling in a fishing net? Same fucking thing! If your boss insists on making you wear one of those stupid things, the proper course of action would be to tell him/her to fuck themselves, and quit. And finally if you want to grow a beard in November to support man cancer, that is fine, and it’s cute, but just remember you are very much in the minor leagues. Growing and maintaining a beard is a year round commitment. Don’t you dare try to include yourself in the upper echelon of beard growing in just one month. We can tell if you are an armature, and you won’t be allowed in the circle of trust until you prove you’re committed to the cause. I know this was just a bunch of random thoughts about beards thrown together, but the world needs to be educated when it comes beard life.

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The advetures of Pookie Bear and Mr. Henry Gobblington IIII

What is more American than Thanksgiving? The answer is only July 4^th. Thanksgiving is a true American holiday. We are the only country that celebrates it. A day where groups of people, family, and friends can put their differences aside for a day, come together have a dinner, share what we are all thankful for, and watch football. Speaking of American, football a sport that is only played in America , and we stole the name of another sport that is the most popular in the world and played in virtually every country, and has been around much longer, changed the name to soccer, and demand the rest of the world call it that too! God we are the best! Of course this holiday like most American holidays requires going completely over top in the amount of food we make and eat, and lets face it! What is more AMERICAN than Committing the deadliest sin of all?……. GLUTTONY. What is more American than celebrating the Pilgrims and Indians getting together at the same table and enjoying  a feast that was grown and hunted with their own hands. The alliance with the Wampanoag Indian tribe is one of the only examples of an Indian/ settler alliance lasting, a testament to the power of sitting down and sharing a meal with someone. Of course American history is littered with the mistreatment of Native Americans, but at least we can point that one example of something good that bred a lasting tradition. That first menu was not what we have come to expect a traditional Thanksgiving menu to look like with, lobster, dear, corn, and seal, yes SEAL!! The original Thanksgivings were to celebrate certain things, a successful harvest, the end of a long drought, etc…..etc. Although several of our early presidents declared “days of thanks” Thanksgiving was not adopted as an official holiday until 1863. Abraham Lincoln asked the country on the third Sunday of every November, at the height of the civil war to remember the fallen and to heal the countries wounds.

In the spirit of a great tradition, and adventure, I wanted to do something a little different other than the whole store bought turkey….. Blah blah blah. I thought to myself, what would be more American, on the second most American holiday then hunting my own wild turkey? The answer to that question?  Fucking nothing! Out in the woods just me and the beast, survival of the fittest! What would be more fulfilling then hunting my own dinner, if I fail? Thanksgiving cancelled! If I succeed the family rejoices drinking wine and ale in my honor! I would be looked at as the leader of the family; a statue would be built in my honor in my parent’s front yard.  People will pay me to speak at large events. The Discovery Channel will give me my own show. In the words of Eminem “Snap back to reality”. I can’t fucking  hunt! I’ve never hunted anything in my entire life…….. I lie, I accidentally shot a squirrel with a BB gun once.  If I actually owned a gun I suppose I could accidentally shoot a wild turkey? Apparently turkeys aren’t as stupid as they look though. There was a study done at Oregon State University, where they threw an apple into a group of turkeys, and they played with it as a group, kind of like football, which apparently displays some sort of intelligence. Personally if I saw a group of anything playing sports with an apple, the first thing I would think is “what a bunch of idiots”, but I also think I read somewhere that turkeys are one of the hardest animals to hunt. Well either way I think it would be a better strategy to find someone who was willing to take me turkey hunting, instead of venturing out on my own. Someone who has some experience, you know shooting a gun, and finding a turkey! So I took my search to the internet. Search “turkey hunting guide”. I turned up a lot of hunting cabins for rent, a few weekend hunting trips, but nothing that would cater to a first time hunter, third time shooter of a gun, and nothing specifically targeting turkeys. I have very little patience to begin with, in these situations, so at this point I was already frustrated. Yes after one Google search, I was ready to give up. Knowing that the first page of a Google search usually turns up just the biggest companies, and companies that pay for search engine optimization. I ventured to the second page. In this case it led me to check out local turkey farms. If I can’t hunt and kill my own fresh wild turkey, seems to me the next best option is an all natural turkey raised on a local farm……… farm fresh to the table, never frozen is, after all the way to go right? From the beginning I thought it would be hilarious to include my mother in this adventure.  1. She does love and eat turkey and other animals, but she could never kill her own food and doesn’t even want to know that it was ever alive to begin with. 2. If she ever looked dinner in the eye she would rather just die of starvation than eat it. 3. Even if she didn’t go with me I know she wouldn’t approve. By the way the picture of me an Mr. Henry Gobblington IIII is hanging on the wall at my parents house in place of one of the grand kids. My mother didn't speak to me for 3 days.

  My search lead me to the Howe Turkey Farm.The whole point of this blog was to get out and find interesting people, doing interesting things, in interesting places. I turns out this hit all three of those. Starting with an interesting family, a farm with a 70+ year history, and turkey farming is interesting, well because I haven’t the first clue what goes into it.  I contacted the Howe farm and spoke with Julie Howe. I could sense the urgency in her voice, after all I did call a week and a half prior to thanksgiving, quite possibly the busiest time of the year for a turkey farm, and here I am, clueless as to the fresh turkey buying process, and loaded with stupid questions. I knew before I called that she had better things to do then talk to me, but she answered all my questions, and when I asked if I could visit the farm, and have my picture taken with a turkey, without hesitation, said she would love for me to visit them. I set a date to visit the farm, and placed my order for our first all natural fresh turkey, which I immediately named Mr. Henry Gobblington IIII. I arrived at the farm on the rainy Thursday afternoon before Thanksgiving. At first glance it looked like a typical farm.  As soon as I got out of the a car I was a greeted by a young man I would guess between 7 and 10. He asked me if I was there to pick up. I told him I was there to see Julie and Nate, and he led me right to them. The large garage I parked next too was full of action. Adults and kids running around working hard, I felt a bit guilty for being there at such a busy time. I was greeted warmly by Julie and her mother in law  Mary Howe, who they bought the farm from after owning and operating it for 20 years. Mary was a wonderful woman full of life, and obviously still very much involved, it truly is a family farm that requires help from many family members mostly in the week leading up to the holiday, it’s almost as if the farm itself is a member of the family. Thanksgiving starts in July for this family when the first of the turkeys arrive as one day old baby turkeys. If you ask the family they will say it’s seasonal, but you can tell they are downplaying that notion. Nate joined us shortly after, in between phone calls, he informed me they were expecting a visit from the USDA the next day. This makes a stressful time of year even more so for this “part time” turkey farming family. If you click on the link I shared to the USDA regulations you will see that just keeping up with them is a full time job in itself. Especially since one violation could shut them down for the year. An occurrence like that could be impossible for a small farm like this to recover from, so everything has to be perfect. This is a full time job with a seasonal income. How can the parents of 5 kids handle such a responsibility? Nate works full time in commercial construction, so the day to day operations fall on Julie, all while home schooling the children. As I’m listening to their story I’m stressing out about finding the time to come back and pick the turkey up before Thanksgiving. I know I know pathetic on my part. The whole time I was there the whole family was beaming with pride, you can tell this was their favorite time of year.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Sounds like a great family and great little business, but why am I going to drive an hour to go pick this turkey up, when I can get one cheaper or even free at the store?” It is more expensive coming in at $2.89 per pound. The U.S. average is $1.37 per pound. Lets look at some facts.

1.      1. Commercial store bought turkeys are pumped full of antibiotics. Is that bad? Read for yourself. (http://www.prevention.com/health/healthy-living/truth-about-antibiotics-your-meat) Some things I noticed, 23,000 people die in the U.S. each year because they are resistant to antibiotics. We are very close to living in a world where an infection in a small cut could kill us. Antibiotics are used by farmers to keep the livestock we end up eating healthy, over the years bacteria has evolved and become resistant to even the strongest antibiotics. The question is do we really need to pump our food full of antibiotics, or is that just the easiest way? Buying local all natural insures that your food has not been given an antibiotic. The key is the all natural label, if it doesn’t have that all natural seal then chances are it was given antibiotics, steroids, and probably smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. The Howe’s give their birds a probiotic as needed, and are fed a vegetarian diet where most of their protein comes from soy. I realize that buying an all natural one time a year isn’t going to change a whole lot, but maybe it just inspires you to buy all natural or organic for other things. Perhaps a local butcher?

2.      2. Buying a turkey from a major company almost ensures that it was packed into a barn where it is living on top of other turkeys constantly, and they never see the light of day. These birds are genetically engineered to only live for 5 to 8 months. So their life is simply to get as big as possible as fast as possible, but they should at least live a humane 5 months. The Howe farm raises about 4500 turkeys a year and has the space to hold even more. The first thing I saw when I pulled up to the farm was an open barn where the hens were poking their heads out checking out the scenery.  I will never be a vegetarian, but I at least know the turkey I’m eating didn’t live in complete misery.

3.     3.  It is always important to support local business! Does the CEO of Butterball really need your 40 dollars? No! does the CEO of Giant? No! Do families like the Howe’s? Yes! Look without getting into a political debate, if you buy your turkey from a major company like butterball the truth is you don’t know where your money is going. If you buy from a local farm you know for sure that your money is going right back into your local economy. If you don’t think that is important then you have a very dark soul, and you are going to hell!

4.      4. When you buy your turkey from a store, chances are that turkey has been frozen since February. That’s right the turkey you are eating today has been dead for up to 7 months. Mine has been dead since Monday. I’ll wait while you throw up your turkey…………………. Still….oh there’s more ok……………………………………  Yeah when I learned that I wasn’t happy either. Yes it’s a deep freeze, but the idea of eating something that’s been dead for months is not appetizing at all!

5.      5. It tastes better. Oh yes is does don’t you argue with me, it absolutely does. The real test will come later on. We are having two turkeys this year one store bought and Mr. Gobblington, both roasted so we will settle this debate once and for all ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………. Fast forward till 7:59pm as I’m finishing this, and yes there was a noticeable difference. The all natural turkey was defiantly moister. Yes I spell/grammar checked the word moister, and the word grammar. I used that word because I know at least half of the two people that read this threw up in their mouth a little when the read it. The flavor was better by far even mixed up with everything on the plate like we all eat our turkey you’d think it wouldn’t make a difference, it most definitely did! 

      

      Look I realize it might not be ideal for everyone to drive an hour for a turkey, and I won’t judge you if you don’t, but I will tell you this. Out of the 4500 birds the Howe’s raised this year only around 600 people actually buy them directly from the farm. Most of them go to farmers markets, and businesses who give one to their employees as a holiday gift. I’m sure you have a local farmers market near you? It is totally worth the extra money I promise you and again now you are supporting several local businesses. In my experience with sales, people tend to buy from people they have a connection with. I do encourage you to do what I did this year, because after I met the Howe family as cheesy as this sounds I felt a little bit of the pride they had raising, while I was eating it. If anything came from this, it’s that they defiantly earned a new yearly customer. I will be one of the 600+ to drive to the farm and pick up my turkey every year.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope it was as delicious as mine, but I know it wasn’t because again your Turkey has been dead and frozen for 7 months. Mine was dressed on Monday.

We will be The Brinton lodge on the 28^th and I’ll have a post about the 10 commandments of beards as well.

Like me on Facebook pookie in paradise, follow me on Twitter @JeffBergh, and Instagram pookieinparadise. As always please like, share, and all comments are welcome.

"The Customer Service Obsession"

I realize this topic has nothing to do with travel, or a unique place, or person, But you might think of if it the next time you meet someone you really enjoyed, or on the other hand really disliked. In both cases they could be unique people in interesting places. This is also a topic that I think about on a daily basis every day since I started working at the bank, and periodically through my 10 year career at Sundance. So I thought I could finally put it to rest by writing about it.

Back in 1980 something, I remember hearing a catchy phrase. “The Customer is always right”(pookie shutters) Bleh!!!!!!!!!!! This silly saying could be the single worst thing to happen to retail, and service employees around the world, ever!!!!!!!!! That’s right I said ever. I would love to know the company who started this trend; I bet they are not in business anymore. To strictly adhere to this ridiculous customer service policy, a company would have to, break laws, completely alter the business practices that made them a viable business in the first place (and not just once in a while, for every individual customer). Companies would have to change how they advertise, how they train new employees, how they do their schedule, owners of small businesses’ would have to be at work every single hour they were open, and that is what we are starting to see now. The customer is NOT, always right, in fact the customer is almost always wrong, and because they are always wrong we have “experts” or at least people with considerably more knowledge of a , person, product, field, to educate the potential customer. What this stupid phrase has done is given the customer the false assumption that they are experts on everything. Combine that with access to the internet (where everyone is an expert on everything) we have stores full of experts with various levels of knowledge, shopping, eating, and banking. Some of them come armed with some correct information, and some come armed with none. All of them think they know more then you! The actual expert, and none of them have anywhere close to the whole story. What I see every day is an evolved shoppers, angry, irritable, sad, unsatisfied, and shut down. Why? Because it is impossible to fulfill that sort of expectation………. Perfection! When a potential or returning customer walks through the doors of a business expecting to get whatever they demand, more often than not that customer will leave severely disappointed.  This is the fault of both the business, and the customer. The business for making a promise it can’t keep, and the customer for being ……… well a shitty customer. I’ve said for a while now “If you want great customer service, start by being a great customer”.

Let’s examine the different type of customers that retail and service workers encounter on a daily basis.

The someone else screwed up big time but I’m gonna take it out on you because you are here and I think my existence is more important than yours customer.  Look there is nothing wrong with being upset that someone screwed up and it affected you in a big way, or even just an inconvenient way. In fact that is our right as consumers. The problem lies in taking it out on the first employee you see, just so you can yell at someone, and feel a bit of self-gratification…………………… Do you feel better about yourself? Do you?......... Do you really? We have all been in a situation where someone has royally fucked up our situation, and we are so angry at the person on the phone, or the person who just so happened to be off the day we come in to seek vengeance. So we swear to avenge our wrong doing on the company, any employee that crosses our path, and the entire FUCKING WORLD!!!!!! The bottom line, the employee you are verbally bashing most likely didn’t have anything to do with the original mix up, and what makes it worse is you already know that, but you insist on acting like an asshole anyway. Sadly these poor folks still only have your best interest in mind, and they generally want to resolve your issue, but you are making it impossible by screaming at them making it virtually impossible to get a clear picture of what is wrong. When someone is trying to fix an issue for you, in order for them to give you the best possible solution they first have to understand what the last person did, to mess it up. I promise you that you are making matters much worse for yourself by being a scumbag. Saying “the customer is always right” in this case has set an unrealistic expectation that the customer will have the issue fixed, reversed, and every employee down on their knees begging him/her too give them another chance. Relax you aren’t that important! All you’ve done is made an ass out of yourself and given the employees something to laugh about for the next week or so. In this case you are right to be upset, but completely 100% wrong on how to get it fixed. Unfortunately you have to rely on the company that originally fucked it up in the first place. I mean you can take your business elsewhere, but you will find that the exact same thing can happen there. The way to be a good customer in this situation is too express that you are upset that the situation has happened, and you would like to meet with someone to discuss all the available options to resolve the error in a reasonable amount of time. Not that day. I had a gentleman (and I use that term very loosely) come in fuming, blaming us for depositing a check into the wrong account. Turns out it was a new person in a different branch. Long story short he wanted it in the right account that second. The reason this is impossible is 1. The check needed a day to clear. 2. Since the check hadn’t cleared there was no money to actually transfer, and what the customer was failing to realize is even if the check went to the right account it wouldn’t have been there until the next day anyway . So the solution was just waiting until the next day and transferring the money into the right account. We explained this could be done first thing in the morning through the smart phone app or online banking………. Well he let it be known that he doesn’t trust online banking, and he wanted to do it his way, and if it would have been done right in the first place than it wouldn’t have been an issue. Correct, but it did happen and it was an accident! Get over it! Whatever!!!! It leads me into my next group of terrible customers.

The I am set in my ways no matter what, and even if it makes my life a hundred times easier I will refuse to change anything about my life or any way I do things even though it is to the complete detriment of myself, and you are a complete idiot for even suggesting something that would benefit me customer. (sigh)………..  I think the best way to go about outing these geniuses is to just list the problem the simple solution and then the reason they don’t want to do it.

Problem: “I’ve been waiting in line too long and all I have to do is a deposit”. “You can make simple deposits right at our ATM and the money is available the same as if you did the transaction at the bank itself. Do you want me to show you how in case there is a long line next time?” “No I don’t trust the ATM machine!” “Then wait in line I don’t care”

Problem: “You don’t have enough choices and you don’t have my size”! “If you go to our website you will have many more choices in both style and sizes, and if you order something and it doesn’t fit you, you can always send it back free of charge, oh and you don’t pay anything for shipping”. “I don’t buy anything online! It isn’t safe”! “I assure you buying directly from our website is very safe. Furthermore if you use your credit card you are protected from fraud directly through them”. “No I like doing it this way”! “Then these are your choices. I don’t care”.

Problem:” I don’t want to give you my social security number! Look me up a different way”! “Unfortunately John Smith is a very common name, it would take me an hour to find you that way. If you get a debit card you can swipe it and it will pull you right up”. “I don’t use debit cards”! “Sir no matter how I look you up I will be able to see your social security number, this is the fucking bank we keep that information on file! So why don’t you just make it easy on yourself and just give it to me!........ Or don’t I don’t care”.

Problem: “I don’t want to sit through the presentation to get my free cruise; I just want it right now”! It doesn’t work that way, you agreed to sit through the presentation, and in return for your time you get the cruise.” “That’s bullshit”! “Sir if you don’t want to sit through presentations to get free stuff, then stop signing up to win free shit, and pay for your own cruise!..... Either way…….. you guessed it! I DON’T CARE!

Problem: “I don’t like the interest rate I’m getting”! “Well you have all your money in money markets and cd’s, Why don’t you talk to a financial adviser, I’m sure there is something out there that can offer you a better rate”? “I don’t want to risk the principal”! “There are investment products out there that guarantee your principal. It doesn’t hurt to talk to someone and find out what is out there”. “Nah, I’m good”. “Great!....................because…………. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Notice something in common with these people? Yeah they are all huge babies and shouldn’t be allowed in public! That is really all I can say about them. No matter how much logic you throw at them they will fight you tooth and nail because they refuse to listen to reason. These people will and should burn in hell.

Let’s go to the service industry for a second. Bartenders and servers deal with the rudest, most ignorant human beings on the planet several times a day. The worst part is they depend on these horrible human beings to make a living!

The I’m such an ignorant asshole that I will look for any reason to not tip a server, or bartender. I also run them ragged the whole time I’m eating dinner, and on top of that I probably enjoy beating my wife customer. If you are this person, you are the worst human being on earth. I am constantly on the lookout for these people, and if I find one I don’t hesitate to educate them on what a piece of shit they are. One time I was sitting at the bar on a Saturday night (yes the one I have been going to for 10 years, keeping them in business) and these two guys come in, and it is super busy. The bartender asks “what can I get you guys”? Of course they have no idea what they want. After several minutes dicking around, they finally decided on a couple of frozen drinks. (Rolling my eyes). Look I like the frozen drinks as much as any chick, or Nathan Lane, but make them at home, or at a party, or on vacation! After burdening the bartenders with their frozen concoctions they paid for TWO drinks with a credit card. I was curious, even though I already knew the answer, and sure enough when I looked at the receipt they left the tip line empty. Well-being what I consider friends with the bartenders, having worked in the restaurant industry myself, and just having a basic level of respect for the hard work these people do, this was not acceptable. I looked down at the receipt to see that the total for the two drinks was $10. So I wrote in the tip line $10, total $20. I mean no one really got hurt! The bartenders got a well-deserved tip, the assholes  that stiffed them came off looking like heroes, and I…………… well I was neither Hero nor villain, I was exactly what Gothem needed. Moral of the story? Don’t stiff servers and bartenders, there very well could be a guardian Pookie around looking out for them, and then you end up tipping 100%.

There are several ridiculous reasons people use as reasons not to tip.

1. “My food took too long”! How many restaurants have you been too where the servers also cook your meal? If you used this excuse, you are an asshole!
2. “They chose a job that only pays $2.83 an hour. I shouldn’t have to tip them because of their bad choice”! Fuck you! If you can afford to live like a king or queen for a night and have hardworking men and women wait on you hand and foot doing everything for you other than physically feeding you……….. Then tip asshole! You could also move to another country. In some countries servers are paid handsomely and customers aren’t expected to tip, you are also going to pay a much higher price for food on average. You Pick! If you used this excuse, you are an asshole.
3. “I don’t believe in tipping”. Nice try! Playing the religion card. Everybody already hates you, now they all want to kick you in the dick as well! If you used this excuse, then you are a super mega asshole!
4. “The bartender wasn’t very friendly”! Shut up! The bartender has 80 people to worry about, you’re not gonna tip them because you’re a pathetic loser? C’mon, you are an asshole!
5. “5% is plenty”! Stay at home! You don’t deserve to enjoy a nice dinner out! Keep your 5%, you obviously need it more than that lowly server. You are…. whatever is worse than an asshole!
6. “The service was too slow” Do you say that to your wife on Thanksgiving when she is cooking and serving 28 people? No? You chose to go out for dinner on Friday or Saturday.  Deal with it! News flash it is going to be busier, give the guys and girls a break they are doing their  best, and they can only go as fast as the kitchen puts out food. They only have two arms and legs. Have you ever tried to wait on 2 toddlers? Try 20! That’s what it’s like. If you used this excuse you are an asshole!

Tipping in the service industry is expected, period! If you don’t believe in tipping, then do it your god damned self! I generally tip 20% on a normal food bill, I will tip 50% is my tab is $10 or less usually, but never less the 20%. Bad service you say? You really have to go out of your way to be rude to me in order for me to consider tipping less than 20%. Again, the “bad service is rarely the fault of the server and bartenders. I also tip on takeout orders. Yeah that’s right, and you should too! Who bags up the food? Who checks to make sure the order is correct? It doesn’t check itself! Not 20% but $2 dollars is fair, a little something to thank them for making sure that the food you didn’t cook is correct and you don’t have to drive all the way back.

I am a true believer in Companies taking care of the people that make them a business. It’s pretty rare to see an owner of a restaurant on the floor serving full time. The employees make your business successful, and you as the owner should do everything you can to make sure they feel appreciated, secure, and they should know in a position where their pay can vary significantly, that the business they work hard for is doing everything they can to make it as stable as possible. Put out good food, create a great atmosphere, and a mandatory 18% gratuity on all tables. Currently most restaurants only charge 18% gratuity on large parties. Most of a servers tables throughout the night are not parties of 6 or more.  Charging 18% is completely fair, and it’s the right thing to do! If you experience great service you can leave more, and if your patron’s complain about it, you don’t want their business anyway. One of the best things I’ve ever seen! A restaurant owner I know had a server that got stiffed on a $300+ bill. It was a table she worked on all night, and to make it worse these ignorant mongloids sat for another hour after they paid and didn’t tip. This manager calmly went over to the table and this is how the conversation went.

Manager: “How was everything tonight folks”?

Rotten Human being #1: “Everything was delicious thank you”.

Manager: “I’m so glad to hear that, and how was your server tonight”?

Rotten human beings #1,3,5,6: “She was great”!!!!!!!!!!

Manager: “Oh I’m surprised, because usually when our customers receive outstanding service, as you folks clearly did, they leave a reasonable tip! There must have been something you didn’t like”?

Rotten human being #2: “No everything was great we just don’t like to tip, but come to think about it we don’t appreciate you begging for free handouts. We spent a lot of money here tonight”!

Manager: “Well you are gonna love this then. You don’t have to worry about me begging for a free hand out anymore. I’m very glad you had a great experience here tonight, and I will gladly cover the tip that your server deserves, but I will ask you to never come back here again. We value the hard work our employees put forth to make this a great restaurant for people like you to enjoy. However if you are not grateful enough to do the right thing, then we don’t need your business.  Thank you”!

Rotten human being #1: “We will never come back here again, and we will tell everyone we know about how horrible you are”!

Manager: “With all due respect sir. You won’t be back here because we will refuse to serve you, and please do tell everyone you know about us! Make sure you tell them you had great food and even better service, and tell them that you tipped $0 dollars on a $300+ bill. Let’s see who they side with. Have a nice night”.

This is how all restaurants should treat these kind of people. They will either adapt, or stop going out to eat. Every company should make sure their employees know that the company they work for has their back when it comes to horrible customers.

My favorite type of horrible customer?

The I am going to complain about absolutely everything even if nothing is wrong just so i can get something for free customer. When i was at the restaurant I had a regular couple that came in every Sunday around 4:00pm. They ordered a variety of different things on the menu,their favorite? The Cajun Rib Eye. Although they would complain about everything they ordered, they had the steak scam down pat! They would order their steaks medium rare. One of them would always complain that their steak was too pink. So we would bring them a steak cooked medium well, You guessed it too dry!!! The typical song and dance occurred after that. Manager comes out and apologizes up and down for everything, begged them to give us another chance, blah,blah,blah. What benefit is there to the restaurant kissing these peoples asses? They obviously love the food, they just don't want to pay for it, but because the world is obsessed with customer service and jobs depend on it, these horrible customers get what ever they want. Think about it JOBS DEPEND ON IT! If i would have told those people to fuck off I would have surely been fired, if my manager wouldn't have kissed the asshole that was gonna get a nice big free shit pushed out of it later on, there is always the possibility that those people call her direct supervisor and she ends up losing her job.

The lengths that companies will go too, to "improve" customer service is ridiculous. After every single purchase, or visit we get a phone call asking us to complete a survey or an email. Companies pay other companies tens of thousands of dollars to create and conduct these surveys on their behalf. These surveys are designed for the employees, the stores, the branches, and the managers to fail, so that people who have never been on the front lines of the same company they are paid way more money than us too be in charge of, can give us something to work on. I just bought a car recently, and had a great experience from beginning to end. So the guy i bought it from was going too get a all 10's anyway, but there is so much pressure to perform well on these surveys that he felt the to tell me that if i give him anything other then 10's he automatically fails. I already know this of course, working at the bank we had a similar grading process. The point is when did we become a society where a 9 isn't fucking good enough? I mean I have no problem with striving to be better, but heaven forbid you fall a little short a 9 is pretty damn good! I would date a 9, buy a video game that got 9/10, eat food that was rated 9/10, see a movie that 9 out of 10 critics said was great......... I think you get the point! 9 isn't perfect but it's pretty damn good! This focus on "the customer is always right" also makes for a miserable work environment, constantly looking over your shoulder because there was a customer that you know is a miserable piece of shit and wants everyone else to be a miserable piece of shit, even if it's the person that has helped them tremendously. Companies can save themselves a lot of money by conducting a very easy survey on their own with just a few simple questions. "Did you have a great experience today? Yes or no?" "What can we do better for your next visit?" People picking numbers doesn't give you an idea of what is working and what isn't. Plus nobody wants to fill out a survey if it's too long! A couple simple questions that force the customer to write out an answer will give much more insight on how their experience was from beginning to end.

Do me a favor, remember what the phrase "the customer is always right" was supposed to mean. It should have read " we will be happy to go out of our way to do anything we can to fullfill your request",and until it changes unless you truly had a horrible experience with an employee, Just give them all 10's

Coming up "Pookie in Paradise" will be at the "Brinton Lodge in November, and "K9 Partners for Life" 

As always feel free to comment and share. I'm really curious to hear some views from people that are in the customer service field, and of course join me in paradise! 

Welcome!

Have you ever gotten so comfortable in a place (local bar) where you literally know everyone’s name? A place that no matter where you are coming from, seems to be on your way home,  A place where before you even sit in the same bar stool in the same corner that you’ve sat in at least 2 times a week for the past ten years, the bartender has placed your drink of choice on a beer coaster that’s armed with a clever saying about a local microbrew that you would never pay six dollars a bottle for because you know deep down you just aren’t that awesome, a place where you walk in and despite the wretched smell of cheap beer and stale cigarette smoke you take a deep breath and feel a sense of comfort and calm after a long terrible day at a terrible job, a place where after six or seven beers you have 15 to 20 best friends that you see a few times a week, but don’t know what a single one of them does for a living, a place…eh you get the point.

This was me, well it is me.  A few weeks ago I was sitting in my usual spot sipping my usual adult beverage, and I had a “Jerry Maguire” moment. I began reminiscing about all the good, bad, and indifferent times I’ve had at this place. I thought of the early days when me and some of my best friends ( not 7 beers deep best friends)would be there all day Saturday and Sunday during football season. When I say all day, I’m talking 12:01pm until 2:38am. I thought about how before the bartenders really knew us I played “The Lido Shuffle” twelve times in a row and the bartender unplugged the juke box and flagged me. I think about the times where the bar manager would make the most horrible tasting shot she could think of and tell my cousin if he took it she would clear his tab………. Then I watched the video of him puking over the side of the outside patio. I thought of the time they hired my cousin ( yes the same one that was willing to do a shot of anything to clear his tab)and on his first night behind the bar he had to change the paper in the middle of printing out my tab. I thought of the arguments, the fights, the apologies, the few that are no longer with us, the karaoke, the shit talking during football season, the sports gambling, the shuffle board gambling, you did read that right………. We gambled on shuffle board…………… a lot!  I thought about the time when the company I was working for sent me to the Midwest for 2 years. Of course first and foremost I was going to miss my family, my parents, my son most of all, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t going to miss my bar family too. I remember there being not one but two voids in my life. I felt like I was missing out on everything, I felt like I was going to be forgotten and replaced. That can be a terrible feeling when you are in a place where you have never been and don’t know anyone. At first I was excited to meet new people, make new friends, and start a new life. Well let me tell you,  it really isn’t that easy as an adult to make new friends. Think about your friends, how did you meet them? You probably met them through another friend that you’ve known for years, or through a co-worker.  Then I thought about how I kind of was forgotten, and replaced. We all enjoyed my last Saturday night karaoke shit show. We sang all of our normal Saturday night songs, “Sweet Caroline” “Rebel Yell” “Come Sail Away” “I Would do Anything for Love (But I Won’t do That), and many, many more. The night came to an end as usual, we shed a few tears hugged good bye, and then I left. In the following weeks business went on as usual, my “bar family” still went out Saturday and Sundays , They still laughed and had fun, they still sang karaoke, the nights still ended. The truth is my “bar family” didn’t make a whole lot of effort to keep in touch. I don’t resent anyone for this I certainly could have made more of an effort to stay in touch myself. It did make me suddenly realize that these people aren’t my family! They are friends. I care about them, I want them to do well in life, and I love seeing them, and when I moved back to the area we picked up right where we left off, and that should be enough.  I shouldn’t feel like I have to go there every weekend because I owe them, or the bar something.  This is the point I had my “Jerry Maguire” moment! Looking over my finances on average I spent no less than $200 a week at this place! Bottom line it is a business, it is going to carry on with or without me. The question is what would you do with an extra $200 or more a week? I realized I am missing stuff, not in this bar, but out there. There has to be more to life than sitting in the same old smoky bar night after night, right? I truly enjoy the people that go there on a regular basis, they will forever be my friends, and it’s not like I won’t ever go there. I just have to make it a point to do something unique, different, and exciting more often! My goal? Once a month.  I don’t care if it close to my home or a million miles away. So I created this as a travel blog, and I’m sure some of what I write about won’t be considered travel. I am ok with that as long as it is different, unique, exciting, and involves interesting people, which I have a habit of stumbling upon anyway. This is meant to keep me in check even if I am the only one who reads it.

So please feel free to join me on these adventures, comment, live the dream, and join…….. “Pookie in Paradise”