May the lord beard be our savior

There is a saying about beards that I love.  “ There’s a name for people without beards, women”! Beards have made a huge come back. Thank GOD, because I fucking hate shaving more than anything! Not to mention it’s ridiculously expensive to buy razors. For a long while beards were considered a no no in the sales industry, which just so happens to be what I’ve been doing my whole professional life. Clean shaven is the only thing potential buyers would respect they told me. Beards were a sign of laziness they said. Beards meant that your hygiene was lacking they said.  You know what I say? Bull fucking shit! How are you gonna say no to a guy with a huge beard? He could kick your ass, eat you, and put a cigarette out on your neck! I don’t anyone who wants to risk that! Beards symbolize manhood, dominance, strength, alpha status. If you’re at bar and two guys are waiting for a drink, who gets served first? The clean shaven guy hiding underneath a bar stool, or the bearded master of all things? Damn right it’s the guy with the beard! A couple of absolute scientifically proven facts about beards. Women are 100% more attracted to men with beards. Even if they refuse to admit it they are. It’s nature they can’t help it. Another quote I like. “Do you get things caught in your beard? Yes soup, crumbs, and women!" If you read about the history of beards in many cultures beards were a sign that a man is more fertile, stronger, and had better genes. After all our natural instinct is to choose a mating partner with the strongest features, survival of the fittest right? The most common objection to a beard I hear from women? “It’s too prickly it’s stabbing my face”. The proper response is “ those are love stabs baby”! What she is actually thinking? “ Oh my god I love this I hope it never stops”! Here is a picture of a beard for absolutely no reason.

What better month to talk about beards than November, No Shave November. The equivalent to breast cancer awareness month. We made it up because we feel the endless need to compete and we couldn’t just let women have this one. I personally think that every month should have a no shave prefix.  Here are some other interesting scientific beard facts. Growing a beard has been a sign of manliness since the dawn of time. A full beard was a sign in many early cultures that a boy was ready to become a man. In fact a beard was so well respected that in many cultures if you touched another man’s beard it was a sign of disrespect, and often led to a duel. Don’t you dare touch my beard bro! I swear to GOD next time someone touches my beard I’m gonna challenge them to a duel, even if it’s my mom! Some early punishments consisted of public shaming by cutting off a man’s beard. In a study women found men with full beards to be two thirds as attractive as men who were clean shaven. I know I know this sounds like a huge blow to the majestic beard, and I know I proclaimed earlier that women are 100% more attracted to men with beards, that is why this next part is so awesome. That same study showed that those same women also found that men with full beards are older, more respected, powerful, and of a higher – status. So there you have it, your clean shaven boyfriend is hot, but he is a complete and utter failure at being a man! Honestly ladies what is more attractive, a man who is respected by all, or a man who takes longer than you to get ready? Is it even a question? Forbes magazine shows that 98% of the most successful business men are clean shaven, but before you go shaving your luscious face pubes selling out for a taste of success, life shows that 98% of lumberjacks, badasses, and warriors have full beards! So in other words, we wait for the bald faces to build a successful company, then we just forcefully take it from them, because what the hell can they do about it other than sit there and cry. By the way real men don’t cry they just water their beards! Men with beards are viewed as 38% less generous, 36% less caring, and 51% less cheerful. I don’t think that is a strong argument as to why growing a beard is good, but it is fucking awesome! Here is another amazing beard!

So in honor of man cancer, and beards of all shapes and sizes, I have rewritten the 10 commandments to guide us all through beardome, rules to live by if you will, for men with beards, bald-faces, and women everywhere.

10. You shall not covet thy neighbor’s beard; you shall not desire his house, his field, his servant’s beard, his ox’s beard, his donkey’s beard, or anything else related to your neighbor’s beard. Look some “men” just can’t grow a beard. If you can’t you can’t, but don’t you dare drool over mine. Just hope your future son doesn’t grow up to hate you. Your best bet is to befriend someone with a beard. Maybe, just maybe the bearded nobleman will take you under his wing and you can feed off his crumbs, but jealousy will get you know where! I’m sorry, but not all men were created equal, and you just happen to be an inferior version of a man. Chances are it’s your parents fault; blame your mother for not picking a suitable full bearded suitor, but under no circumstances long for my beard! Every beard is unique, and takes patience to grow. Show respect for my beard, but do not covet .

9. You shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor when explaining why you don’t have a beard. Men with beards don’t lie. We make our own truths! Just because you don’t have a beard doesn’t mean you have to lie about it, and don’t give me that, you are defiantly lying! Here are some possible excuses you might give for not having a beard. “My job won’t let me”. This makes me laugh! All you are really saying is, I’m too much of pussy to just grow one, and I’m afraid to stand up to my boss. If you want to live your life like that go ahead just don’t lie about it. “It itches”. Wahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hate you just give up on your shitty life.  You can’t handle a little itch to be respected by all?  We aren’t talking about crabs here; we are talking about a glorious face enhancer. You should be very ashamed of yourself.  “My wife/ girlfriend won’t let me”.  Same as the boss won’t let me, bottom line is you’re a pussy. “I don’t want too”.  Ha Ha don’t even talk to me.  Bottom line whatever reason you give for not having a beard, is just a reason why you are a huge loser and no one respects you.

8.  Thou shall not steal……….. From a man with a beard. Your life is sure to end very quickly. That’s all I need to say about that.

7. Thou shall not commit adultery…………… with a bare-face. If you are married to a man with a glorious beard you will never feel the need to cheat, but if you do make, sure it is with a man with a bigger beard. If you stray with a bare-face, your future children will be a little retarded………maybe a lot. That might sound harsh but you defiantly deserve it. You shouldn’t cheat period, but if you’re a bare-face you have come to expect it. If you cheat on a man with a glorious beard there will be consequences!

6. Thou shall not murder.  Unless you are a masked vigilante with a beard, then it’s completely ok to murder the people that deserve it.  With a beard you are pardoned by law automatically.

5. Honor your beard as the lord god commanded you, that your beards may be long, and that it may be well with you in the land which the LORD your God is giving you. Look if beards weren’t supposed to be grown God would not allow them. If you don’t believe in God then nature would not allow it. Beards are natural, razors are not.  It doesn’t cost 23 dollars a month to grow a beard!!!

4. Observe the beard and keep it holy, as the lord God commanded you. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is to admire your own beard. You shall not work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your ox, nor your donkey, nor any of your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you. They all will spend the day admiring your beard, as God intended, after all Jesus had an amazing beard, right?

3. You shall not take your beard in vein. Never speak ill of your beard. Your beard will not take kindly to this. It is the source of your power and should be treated as so. Never complain that it itches, or food gets caught in it, or it gets in the way. Once it’s gone you will surely miss it, and there is no guarantee it will ever come back.

2. Thou shall not worship anything other than your beard. No false beards! There is nothing in the world that will bring you more joy then your beard. Show your damn appreciation!

1. I am the lord thy beard. I brought thee out of Egypt and the house of bondage. Is there any doubt that beards led Gods people out of Egypt? I think not. Beards are responsible for all major human achievement, and that is actually proven by science now……..seriously look it up.

Now some beard etiquette. If two beards come to an impasse, the longer beard always has the right away. It’s like respecting your elders. The Older the beard the longer it is, and the more it has seen. Respect the beard. Comb it, condition it, stroke it. Show it the same love you’d show your pet. Beards need attention, and if you can’t spend some quality time with your beard every day, then you shouldn’t have one. By the way this is not a beard.

Do not ever braid or put beads in your beard! Not only is this stupid but it is worse than publicly shaming your children. Never confine your beard. I hate when I go to a deli and see hair nets covering beautiful beards. Do you enjoy watching a dolphin struggling in a fishing net? Same fucking thing! If your boss insists on making you wear one of those stupid things, the proper course of action would be to tell him/her to fuck themselves, and quit. And finally if you want to grow a beard in November to support man cancer, that is fine, and it’s cute, but just remember you are very much in the minor leagues. Growing and maintaining a beard is a year round commitment. Don’t you dare try to include yourself in the upper echelon of beard growing in just one month. We can tell if you are an armature, and you won’t be allowed in the circle of trust until you prove you’re committed to the cause. I know this was just a bunch of random thoughts about beards thrown together, but the world needs to be educated when it comes beard life.

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